A Tale of Two Experts

By Marcel Strigberger

The production of experts' reports is getting forever more costly.

I recently told insurance counsel in a personal injury case that a report from Dr. X, a psychiatrist, was on its way to him. My learned friend retorted, "Don't even bother sending it to me. I know just what that doctor is going to write. That quack finds all claimants totally disabled no matter how insignificant the accident."

A few weeks later this same lawyer told me he wanted to send my client for a defense medical to Dr. Y, also a shrink.

I instinctively responded, "Him again? I'll advise my client to attend but you needn't send me the report. We all know that this doctor thrives on torpedoing plaintiffs' cases, no matter how valid the claim.

It then occurred to me that as we each knew what our respective experts would be saying about the same client, why not allow me to write the reports for both sides, thereby saving all of us precious time. As well we would save the insurance company which would no doubt eventually pay for the whole shebang in any event, a pile off money.

I would cull the best talents of each of these shrinks and their ilk and I would conscientiously prepare both reports under a different nom de plume. Naturally my conclusions in each report would be eminently reasonable. And my fee for both would be a lot less than what each shrink currently charges for one report.

In a case therefore of a forty year old Baltic European woman who was a restaurant worker for twenty years in Canada, but who has not been able to resume work at all since her car accident three years ago, the psychiatric reports might read as follows:

THE PLAINTIFF'S MEDICAL

I am an Associate Professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto. My special interest is in the emotional effects of physical trauma on patients. I met your client on January 23 last at which time I also reviewed the medical reports you sent me including the report of the learned Dr. George Wembly, Associate Professor of orthopaedic surgery at the University of Toronto. VISIT Your client Mrs. Braunislovic arrived for the visit fifteen minutes early. This to me suggested someone who was very responsible. She was casually and appropriately dressed wearing blue jeans. She was obviously not being pretentious. THE CATASTROPHIC ACCIDENT She was a vivid and graphic historian. She described that she was stopped at a red light at the intersection of Bloor and Bay when suddenly she was struck forcefully from the rear by a cement truck. She said of the accident, "I thinking I hit by atomic bomb. I dead for sure." HISTORY She advises that she was born and raised in Hungary in a village 100 kilometres north of Budapest. Her mother was Hungarian and her father, a shepherd from Greece who came to seek his fortune in Hungary. He also dabbled in bicycle repairs. She was the youngest of eight children. Her mother was a heavy smoker. "She smoke cigarettes. And she weigh 300 pounds. For sure." Her dad was a very altruistic gentleman spending all his spare time asking people if he could fix their bicycle flats. She is presently married to Victor, the owner of Victor's Delicious Deli in Brampton. Until the accident she assisted her husband in running the deli. She was a virgin when she married Victor. EXAMINATION Mrs B indicated that she was always in pain since the accident. Painkillers only temporarily relieve the severe backaches she suffers. She has had to stop working at the deli as, "I no longer able to lift anything. Even a pastrami sandwich with a pickle...no way... I feel useless." When asked to count backwards by sevens from 100 she got stuck at 90. She apologized indicating that before the accident she was a walking calculator. I handed her a Kleenex as her eyes started to moisten. IMPRESSIONS There is no doubt in my mind that this lady suffers from a severe traumatic neurosis coupled with a chronic pain syndrome. Like her father she was a workaholic who demanded 107% from herself. Now she is totally disabled from working. She is depressed. She is entitled to be compensated for her condition which is entirely attributable to the motor vehicle accident. The prognosis is guarded. Sincerely, C. Jackson Smithfield

THE DEFENSE MEDICAL

Thank you for allowing me to see Mrs. Braunislovic. At least she lead me to believe that this was her name. I am an Associate Professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto, with special interest in malingering. I read the medical brief that you sent along, including the report of Dr. George Wembly and the report of January 23rd of my psychiatric colleague, Dr. Smithfield. At least he claims to be a psychiatrist. I shall say no more about their reports. I'll confine this report to non fiction. VISIT Mrs. Braunislovic, or whatever her name really is, arrived at the office fifteen minutes early. There is no doubt in my mind that she is a highly anxious woman. She just can't wait to get her hands on that insurance money. She was dressed sloppily in blue jeans trying to impress me of her poverty. THE INCIDENT (?) She says that she was fully stopped for a red light at Bay and Bloor when she was allegedly tapped in the rear by another vehicle. I can't imagine someone this anxious actually stopping for anything. But this is what she says. It would be useful to get the family doctor's clinical notes and records to see what she told him. She highlighted and exaggerated the size of the offending vehicle indicating that it was a cement truck. When I asked her later on once again what type of truck it was, she again insisted it was a cement truck. She was non repentant. It wouldn't surprise me if she was really hit by a Volkswagen Beetle. Let's see those notes and records, going back 20 years. She then said in describing the light jolt, "I dead for sure." She said this with the air of certainty that only a malingerer uses. This lady is clearly suffering from delusions, predating the accident. HISTORY It seems that she learned her greed from her parents. Her father gave up the tranquil life of being a shepherd in Greece in order to carry on cross border contraband of stolen bicycle parts. It was the least he could do to keep his fat wife in her lavish smoking habit. *(see footnote 1) The subject was the youngest of eight children, a spoiled brat. She also insisted on three occasions when asked that when she married her husband she was a virgin. EXAMINATION Her eye contact was non-existent as she kept on burying her face in Kleenex. She was very hostile and anxious when I grabbed away the box of Kleenex and hid it in my microwave oven. She indicated she could do nothing at all at her husband's deli. "I completely useless." Not surprisingly on further questioning however she was readily able to count pastrami sandwiches by sevens. IMPRESSIONS This lady is your classical malingerer. She falls squarely within the parameters of the F.T. Test (Fakers' Test). I speak of course of the test of noted psychiatrist Dr. August Strondenberg of the University of Gothenberg. There is a perfect match with all of the Professor's indicia, which lead to the inescapable conclusion of malingering: 1) Her father was a disenchanted shepherd; 2) Her mother was a fat lady; 3) She spent years working in a delicatessen; 4) Her favourite number is 7; and 5) She is adamant about a husband called Victor marrying her as a virgin. I have no doubt that once this law suit ends whatever her name is will achieve a complete recovery of these alleged symptoms. Sincerely, Mortimer (Syd) Golden" **footnote 1: Note that a cement truck is also heavy!

It's obvious that my writing these reports would save insurance companies and ultimately the public thousands of dollars. That's a lot of pastrami. Any takers?

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© 2007 Marcel Strigberger. This article CANNOT be copied or reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the Author.